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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30104742">Just Harder to See Than Most</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mentathial/pseuds/Mentathial'>Mentathial</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M, Remus Lupin introspection, canon character death Sirius Black</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 23:34:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,176</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30104742</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mentathial/pseuds/Mentathial</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus recounts his relationship with grief, loss, and one Sirius Black. Inspired by the song "dancing with your ghost" by Sasha Solan. Do hear it with the fic.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marauder friendship, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, mentioned</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Just Harder to See Than Most</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“I put the record on, wait till I hear our song. Every night I am dancing with your ghost.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Remus Lupin thought he knew what grief was. Grief was his one constant in life. The pain of the wolf-bite was nothing compared to the grief at the realization that he could never be a normal boy. Never go to Hogwarts like his Father had. Would never to get see another full moon with his eyes. Would not get to fall in love or have a family of his own. All his talents laid to waste; all his potential ruined by one night. His life would be penance for a crime he didn’t even commit. Through no fault of his own, he was and forever would remain a monster.</p><p>Yet, grief left the moment he met three boys.</p><p>A shock of dark hair and hazel eyes, regal features and a snarky smile, and blonde hair and a soft voice. His friends. That moment, Remus learned what fear was. Fear that one day he would wake up and they would <em>know.</em> He would lose Hogwarts. He would lose the Marauders. He spent nights agonizing over what would hurt more, the fear in James’ eyes? Sirius slowly backing away from him? Peter running away at the sight of him? His heart ached at the thought of losing the three boys who had made him feel <em>human. </em></p><p>Yet, the fear turned to dust the moment Moony met the Marauders.</p><p>Prongs was majestic. Wormtail was resourceful. And Padfoot? Padfoot was <em>pack. </em>He was the one that played with Moony under the moonlight, who Moony howled with. Prongs was the protector, making sure Moony stayed inline. Wormtail was the baby of the rag-tag pack, the one Moony took care not to crush. But Padfoot? Padfoot was an equal.</p><p>Remus let the peace lull him. He forgets he was a monster and monster don’t deserve happiness. He forgot that war could break the best of bonds and that even if Sirius kissed him in the dark Hogwarts corridors, away from the eyes of everyone else, even if they screamed each other’s names behind soundproof spells, Sirius’ loyalty was and would always be to James. His brother. And if James was in danger, every other relationship was questioned.</p><p>And then the day came…</p><p>Where grief returned with a vengeance. Where it came with loss. Where the fear was replaced with rage. How could he…how could he? That <em>bastard. </em></p><p>How could he?</p><p>James. Lily. Baby Harry. Peter.</p><p>Remus spent years angry, running from the ghosts of his family. He didn’t visit their graves, just arranged the funeral and cried when he saw Petunia, <em>sometimes I wonder if Tuney hates me now…she could never Lils. No one sends a vase that ugly to someone they hate…Even I can’t hate Reg…. </em>Shaking the thoughts away, he focused on the baby in the blonde’s arms. His heart broke and healed at the same time and Remus ran. He ran to Europe and the forests there, trying to bury his grief under pain. Trying to replace his pack, yet always running when he found a friend. Moony howled at the moon alone and now there was no one, no one but locked door and foul potions to keep him company. To keep him sane. To keep the monster locked away. The way he should always have.</p><p>Maybe if he didn’t let Moony blind him, he would have seen Black for the traitor he was. Yet even now Moony screamed for him. <em>Mate.</em></p><p>How was his wolf so wrong?</p><p>How could he love again? <em>Trust </em>again?</p><p>Remus refused to look at the answer. It would hurt so much.</p><p>And yet…at nights he woke up with the foul name disgracing his tongue…he knew he had to move on but, how could he?</p><p>It wasn’t until an owl reached him, telling him the bastard had broken out, that his pup, Harry, was in danger that Remus Lupin decided to return.</p><p>And then he learnt of guilt.</p><p>When he saw Wormtail, his blood boiled. He appeared calm, yet the name on the map…the map that never lied…the map where  if he tried hard enough he could feel traces of James’ magic…where he could hear Padfoot’s voice through his words…the map that reminded him what happiness had felt like…the map that led to <em>pack.</em></p><p>How could he have not seen it?</p><p>Yet, Sirius forgave. So did Remus. They had lost so much time together to hold onto old resentments. Yet, it was not time yet for reunions. Sirius had to run. Remus lost yet again.</p><p>He lost Hogwarts. He lost Harry. He lost Sirius.</p><p>Remus thought he knew grief, that he knew loss, that he knew pain, that he knew regret.</p><p>Yet, every time they hurt like it was the first time.</p><p>A year later, when Sirius stumbled into Grimauld Place and kissed him in the dark, Remus tasted hope.</p><p>That full-moon, Moony howled. Not with grief but in joy. <em>Pack. Mate. </em></p><p>The wolf pressed his snout in Padfoot’s fur, wordlessly asking if he would stay.</p><p>But monsters don’t get happy endings.</p><p>And a year later, here he was. Standing in the same dark halls. <em>Alone once again</em>.</p><p>Could he run again? Go to the wolf packs, shove the pain deep under. Could he? Perhaps he would.</p><p>Coward. Like always.</p><p>Running. Like always.</p><p>Yet, he could not leave right away. No, he stepped into Sirius’ room. He ignored the posters on the walls, walking straight to the photograph, that showed a time, that seemed to be a world away. He wondered if in another world, maybe they had a happy ending. James would have gone to play professional quidditch. Lily would have crafted new spells and taken the world by storm. Peter, he grieved even if the name tasted foul on his tongue, he would have done whatever rats did or perhaps they could have helped him. Gotten him a small shoppe in Diagon Alley. Sirius? Remus smiled, one hand tracing the features he would never get to see again…so little time. Sirius would have gone too join the Department of Muggle Affairs, a final fuck you to Walburga Black. And Remus? Remus would perhaps have a home. He knew he would not get jobs in that perfect world either…but maybe he could teach his friends’ kids…and anyway, Remus knew he would have been happy. He would have a family, a home. <em>A pack.</em></p><p>Remus did not fall to his knees, but it was a close thing. He felt like he could scream at the world…heaven only knew where they were now. Was Sirius with James again? Were they looking at him right now?</p><p>Perhaps they were standing by him right now, simply harder to see than most.</p><p>That night, he fell asleep in Sirius’ bed, tears drying on his face…but a smile on his face. Perhaps, they were here, Sirius was here, just harder to see than most.</p>
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